You can't handle the truth!

I had the opportunity to do my civic duty this week. Every two years I get the dreaded jury summons in the mail and every two years I report and until this time around I've always been excused for one reason or another. But this was not my year,  I was hand selected to hear a case. A very important case, I might add.

A feeble retail giant named Wal-Mart was relieved of, I'm sorry 'allegedly' relieved of a $90 hard drive and was using its might to prosecute to the full extent of the law. That meant that a Judge, a court reporter, a clerk, a District Attorney, a couple of bailiffs and 13 jurors had to spend 4 full days watching store security videos and listening to Wal-Mart Loss Prevention Associates regale us with the details of that fateful day.

The People V LeRoy (emphasis on Roy) Strickland

In the opening statements, the District Attorney likened the case to the Thomas Crowne Affair, meaning Mr Strickland didn't have to steal as he had almost $200 cash in his pocket on the day in question, but he did it for sport. Yes $90 hard drive similar to priceless works of art.

Then the Defense Attorney opened and by the way he referred to the retailer as "WalMarts" (hard ess at the end) I knew I was in the presence of the intellectual elite.

And so it went, 4 full days of  the attorneys battling it out like this was the trial of the century. Witnessing how silly our legal system is, with the real loser in this case being The People of California who were relieved (not allegedly, but actually) of tens of thousands of our tax payer dollars which could have been better spent doing almost anything including lighting it on fire and using it to keep the dudes that sleep in the park warm.

The silver lining you ask? Well all my Law & Order knowledge was put to full use.  I got to toss around words like "perp" and "vic" like they were going out of style and after overhearing the details of an unrelated case one day at lunch I suggested to an attorney that they "dump the phone and pull the LUDS" I honestly don't even know what that even means, but I sounded really smart when I said it...

"I ordered Markinson to have Santiago transferred off the base immediately. Why? I felt that his life might be in danger once word of the letter got out.
Grave danger? Is there another kind? I asked if Santiago was in Danger, I then asked if he was in Grave Danger and you said Is there another kind? I can have the court reporter read it back to you"

Where's Chad?

Just about every morning, I hit a little tiny hole-in-the-wall coffee shop that's about a block away from my house. They serve a pretty decent cup of donut shop coffee and I've become friendly with the owner operator Mr Kong. I call him sir and he calls me young lady. It's one of the highlights of my day.

He's an interesting fellow but very unpredictable, some days he thrusts my coffee into my hands without so much as a word, other days he can go on and on and on about his thoughts on any number of subjects.

Some of the more interesting points he's made :

• Women don't watch sports, only talk shows.
• Your sister should not get back surgery, but instead go to Chinatown for a 3 hour massage.
• The building owner should stop raising the rent, otherwise no more coffee.
• Why do you wear the same sweatpants every day?

But yesterday was the cherry on the cake. Most days I go through the drive though, and most days it only takes him 3-5 minutes to realize I'm sitting there and he get's me my coffee and either talks to me or doesn't.  Yesterday though, I sat and I waited and waited some more. After craning my neck I could tell that he was in a heated discussion with someone about god only knows, perhaps they discovered a woman who dislikes talk shows and watches sports.....

Anyway after probably 7 minutes, I could take no more so I parked the car and in I walked ready to give good ol' Mr K the business. As I entered the little cramped building, I saw there were 3 other older gentlemen surrounding Mr K and they were all shaking their heads in confusion. That's when Mr K noticed me.

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't see you there, we can't find Chad!" Mr K exclaims in a pretty frantic voice.

"Who's Chad?" Oh shit, I'm thinking someone lost their grandson.

"No Chad!  Chad! The country we can't find Chad!" That's when I see they are all standing around a world map.

Well that explains the confusion I guess, that and the fact that they were scrutinizing South America.

"Mr K, Chad is in Africa" and that's when he elbowed one of the men aside and drumming his bony finger on the map said "Show me." So I opened the map to show him Africa and pointed to Chad.  "Young lady, your coffee is free today!"

Chad (Arabic: تشاد‎ Tšād; French: Tchad ⁱ/ˈtʃæd/), officially the Republic of Chad, is a landlocked country inCentral Africa. It is bordered by Libya to the north, Sudan to the east, the Central African Republic to the south,Cameroon and Nigeria to the southwest, and Niger to the west.

Who Doesn't Love Tube Socks?

It’s August. I know this by the skyrocketing temperatures; by the way the Yankees are plummeting in the American League rankings and by the assault of Back to School ads on television. Clothes, shoes, back packs and supplies. When I was a kid supplies meant some loose leaf paper, a couple notebooks, assorted writing utensils and a pack of those pink erasers that fit over the top of a pencil’s already built in eraser. Now supplies means laptops and tablets and phones oh my!

Yep the dog days of summer, when every kid is trying to squeeze in as much fun as they can before school starts again. One of the rituals for this period of the calendar is back to school shopping. For some this was a real treat, for others not so much.

Like my older brothers and sister before me my parents opted to pony up a couple hundred bucks a year for private catholic school for grades one through eight. This decision made them feel good about themselves for a couple of reasons. 

• The smaller class sizes and stricter environment would result in a sounder education.  If this were the case I probably wouldn't be wondering if sounder was an actual word.
• The religious education imparted would augment my good Catholic upbringing. (Shaaah, as if?)

And there was a third benefit that my parents would never cop to. The savings on school clothes as we Catholics were required to wear uniforms. So each year my friends that attended public school got to go with their moms to the “big city” (pop. 20,000) an hour away where they would visit the mall, have lunch and pick out clothes. My shopping adventure was much less exciting.

Instead, my mom would send me downtown, on foot, to Cook & Sacco, our local and only “clothier”.  The store was probably half mile away right in the heart of a non-booming metropolis in Upstate NY.  It was a lovely store, and now the  smell of new clothes always brings me back to my childhood shopping “sprees” at Cook & Sacco. Once inside, Mrs. Sacco would first award me with a cherry lollipop then measure me from top to bottom all while prattling on about how tall I’d grown this year. Then she would go in the back and retrieve 2 new plaid jumpers and 2 button-down blouses one long sleeve, one short and that was that. 

Mr. Sacco worked the register, to this day whenever I smell a cigar, I think of him as he was constantly chewing on the end of a pungent stogie. He’d box up my new belongings with a wink and a smile, have me sign for the purchase made on store credit and send me on my way, but not before slipping me one more “don’t tell your folks or Dr Brennan D.D.S” lollipop.

BUT, the shopping wasn’t fully complete until I had new shoes, so yes I did indeed get to take a trip to the big city. Mom and I would pile in the car and time our arrival for just before noon, where she would treat me to a terrific lunch at the Yum Yum Tree. The Yum Yum Tree was basically a hot dog cart, but I loved the taste of those delicious dogs plucked off the rotating warmer. Then it was off to Thom McCann so I could pick out a pair of sensible faux suede shoes AND two packs of tube socks.

BOOM. Shopping complete.

Play Ball Part 2: Dodger Fans Can You Please Pull it Together?

You know what really grinds my gears? Shitty fans. This is something that has bothered me for some time, it's a real pet peeve and I'm going to use this post to deliver this message to the tens of people who read my blog :)

Side note to the tens of people who read my blog, I am forever grateful for your support...but I digress.

I attended last night's sellout game at Dodger Stadium, and between balmy evening air, the icy cold beer, the back drop of the mountains majestically surrounding Chavez Ravine, the pre-game tribute to Mariano Rivera and the effortless save that he delivered in the bottom of the 9th, it was an almost perfect night. Almost.

The game, a pitchers duel, was tied up nothing, nothing at the top of the 9th, the Yankees had 2 outs and were sitting at the weakest part of their batting order. Overbay, bloopers a single to center sending Cano home.. and then it started. 

What had been friendly mutual ribbing the whole night suddenly turned sour. Instead of fans cheering on their own team they started turning on the opposing team and their fans. 

"You guys are still in 4th place!" said one disgruntled Dodger fan again and again and again.

"You know, you're still not making the playoffs!" said another. "Yankees Suck!" chants started echoing, louder and more impassioned than the earlier "Let's Go Dodgers!!" chants from the exact same fans.

Then Nix, the bane of my Yankee existence comes up to bat and flys to right field, an easy out everyone thought but after a communication error between Puig and Ellis results in a dropped ball, 2 more runners score and it's 3 zip. The crowd turned absolutely wretched and still more "Yankees Suck" ...Pardon me but was it not the Dodgers that just bumbled this last inning resulting in my team taking the lead? I'm no coach, or ESPN analyst but that's certainly how I saw that inning play out.

And the cherry on the cake, in the bottom of the 9th when the most celebrated closer of all time, one of the classiest, and most humble athletes in baseball if not in all sports who was honored on this very field this very evening approaches the mound to a choir of Dodger "fans" booing. You must be kidding me.

To those of you that say things like "X team sucks" and boo the great players if they are not on your team I say this. Shame on you! When I watch games in The House that Ruth Built, I welcome the opposing team and their fans, because without them we're just a bunch of knuckleheads sitting around paying $17 bucks for a beer and watching our team have batting practice.

Play Ball!

How can you not be romantic about baseball? What's not to love? The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, an ice cold beer on a hot July afternoon, a pitchers duel, a walk-off home run and watching players who love playing as much as I love watching. It's all of these things and more that make Baseball a true American past time and while other sports have their place, certainly baseball has earned it's spot at the top of my list.

While I am a loyal and diehard NY Yankees fan and will stick with them through the good and the bad there are so many things about other clubs that I admire and think the sport is better for: Vin Scully, Wrigley Field, Donnie Baseball, Cal Ripkin Jr, the new generation of stars like Trout and Puig, and the journeymen that consistently deliver for their teams like Raul Ibanez to name a few.

Which brings me to my next point the Bronx Bombers. Love 'em or hate 'em you have to admit there's a reason they are the most storied franchise in baseball history and tonight at Chavez Ravine one of the most celebrated Yankees, Mariano Rivera, will be honored by the Los Angeles Dodgers. Bravo Mariano for a career focused on baseball, excellence and determination. Lots of folks didn't expect you to come back after last season, but you showed us all what kind of athlete and talent you are. Bravo.

I'll be there tonight, wearing my Yankees jersey, drinking up a piece of  history and hollering for my team. Thanks Mo for your commitment and for all you've done for the Yankees and the sport of baseball. Bravo.

.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q00SDdC7z3k

VEGAS BABY! VEGAS!!

It was 2010 and one of my nearest and dearest Kelly (along with her twin sister) was turning 30 and so obviously we went to sin city to celebrate. Obviously.

The trip was full of hilarity, debauchery, some law enforcement muckety muck, and a load of great memories (some fuzzier than others) but I learned one thing for sure, what happens in Vegas does not necessarily stay in Vegas.

Exhibit A: The birth of The Unsolicited High 5 aka The Unsoli Club

The birthday main event was Saturday night so on Friday my co-conspirator Britt and I head downtown to see what kind of trouble we can drum up.  As the night is really getting rolling (read: lots of Elvis sightings, a sick Styx cover band, Paul Stanley photo ops and plenty of cheap whiskey) we decide to cool our jets at the 4 Queens Casino and see if luck would in fact be a lady tonight. Britt tries her hand at Roulette and I find a $10 Black Jack table with a toothless dealer named Benny. 

Inside of 15 minutes we’re both about $300 lighter and pouting. Lady Luck, you can suck it. 

"I'm telling you baby, you always double down on an eleven" 

As we make our way to the bar, Britt drops a coin into the Wheel of Fortune slot machine, Joker! Joker! Joker! or something to that effect because she scored $30 bucks and starts wildly High Fiving anyone with hands. That looked fun. The High Five part, not the slot machine part. As I leave Britt at the slots and head to the bar solo I begin randomly offering up High Fives to every person between me and my destination, sometimes accompanied with an “Up High” or a “High 5” and every person who I offered it to, hit me back. Suddenly I didn’t care about the three hundo I had just gifted to the 4 Queens and decide this was more fun and FAR cheaper than gambling.

About 30 minutes later Britt re-emerges dejected after losing her winnings and another Benjamin on top of that and she’s ready to gun Bacardi and diets like tomorrow isn’t ever coming.  I tell her about The Unsolicited High 5 and since she’s a gamer we make it a competition. To make it interesting we whip up a set of rules and point values.

The idea is simple, walk up to any stranger and offer a High 5 or a High 10.

• 5 points for every High 5 Hit Back
• 10 points for a High 10 Hit Back aka "Double Fives"
• Double points if the person has to set their drink down to facilitate the Hit Back.
• Loss of similar points for a rejected Hit Back aka a “Hanger”
• Spotting: This is when your competitor points out a target they think might be a Hanger. These tend to be old ladies and some foreigners. These are considered High Value Targets. For example if I spot Britt an old lady and she goes for the High 5 and is left hanging not only does Britt lose points, but I am awarded her lost points. HOWEVER if I spot her an old lady and she goes for the High 5 and gets the Hit Back she gets the points and I lose the same point value.

Vegas is obviously the best place to really rack up the points, because if you sell it like you just won a new Chrysler well then what sane person can resist the hit back?

I am happy to report that The Unsoli Club has expanded into other markets and is thriving in Southern California. For information on starting your own charter, a full set of bylaws, the list of Elders and Tribunal Requirements, send me a message and I’ll connect you with our Traveling Secretary, Steven Vince.

Walk Softly and Carry an Armored Tank Division I Always Say

 In 2009 I was the head of marketing for a small software publishing company and together with the heads of sales and business development we had been courting, cajoling and all out begging a leading tax preparation service to let us be their partner in the software aisle.  The target of our efforts was a woman, I’ll call her Jane, who was known in our industry as a real hard ass. After months of calls, emails, networking and more begging, we got a short note from her.

“You can take me and my associate to dinner one week from today at 7PM sharp and then you have 30 minutes to pitch us the next day. In the meantime stop calling me.”  All righty then, I guess we’re getting on a plane.

We huddled and planned our attack down to the last detail even convincing the CEO of our parent company to fly to Kansas City for dinner.  As we pre-gamed at the hotel our fearless leader gave us sage direction. “Keep your shit together and close this god damned deal!” …Why didn’t I think of that?

At 6:50 we arrive at the restaurant of Jane's choosing.  It was a dark, dank, rickety joint that smelled of cigarette smoke, urine and glue. Certainly not how a midwest steakhouse should smell, but I thought maybe this is just one of those under-the-radar, crusty local joints that can get away with such things. When our targets arrive we head into the dingy, foul smelling dining room and the conversation, as my dad would put it is "flatter than a fart". 

My counterparts and I are enthusiastically volleying the conversational hot potato, acting like costumed animals in a 3 ring circus and Jane answers all our questions with pointed one word responses. Things were going nowhere fast.

With standard business protocol proving ineffective we employ our only remaining tactic, booze. We order bottle after bottle of the best wine on the limited menu and finally dragon lady starts to get loose.  In a matter of minutes she travels from barely speaking and sending looks that kill, to moderately enjoying herself, to falling off the proverbial cliff. She was pickled.  And not the let’s-have-fun-and-we’ll-laugh-about-it-tomorrow-pickled.  Nope, the Courtney Love kind of pickled.

After our meals were cleared away and after-dinner drinks are being finished I notice Jane has steak juice all down the front of her white sweater, which is certainly unfortunate, but that kind of thing happens, then much to my horror she starts dipping her napkin into her wine glass and blotting out the steak juice with her red wine.

I’m not familiar with this method of stain removal.

Her co-worker leans over and whispers something and off Jane goes in the direction of the ladies room, hopefully she’ll clean herself up, dust herself off and be blissfully unaware that we were any the wiser.  After a few minutes the check arrives and we settle up.  Then we wait, and wait some more. No one wanting to say out loud what we were each thinking. “Where the hell is the train wreck?” Tick tock, tick tock and after about 30 painful minutes, my CEO leans over and quietly says, “I’m sorry but you’re going to have to go in after her.”

Naturally.

I timidly enter the ladies room really not sure what I’ll find and that’s when I hear it, a noise behind one of the closed stall doors, it sounds like she’s on the ground rolling around in a pile of wadded up toilet seat covers.

Terrific.

I start making some noise over by the sinks hoping she’ll hear me and pull it together. No dice. Finally I say “Jane, we’re getting ready to go, shall we wait for you in the bar?” Rustle, rustle, rustle and then she emerges wild eyed and wobbly with wine, steak juice and god knows what else all over her lovely white sweater looking more like a cornered perp from the show COPS then a respected sales executive. She took one look at me and without a word or a visit to the sink hauled ass out of the restroom.

Classy.

Needless to say we never got the deal we went there to close, but in the end it didn’t matter. They say revenge is a dish best served cold. I say it’s served best in a filthy heap on the ladies room floor.