I Heart Eric Stoltz

It was 1995 and Rob Roy was playing on the big screen. Since I had a mad crush on Eric Stoltz that had hung around since the mid 80’s I was pretty hot to trot to rush right out and see it. To state the obvious, the crush was on Keith Nelson in Some Kind of Wonderful not on Rocky Dennis in Mask.

                 

           

I convinced a few of my friends to join me and we decided to make an evening of it.  We headed to the mall after work, grabbed a quick drink at Applebee's or some similarly wretched place, did a hot lap through Banana Republic, purchased some over-priced sweaters on revolving credit and then headed to the show.

Now anyone who knows me today, knows that I'm neurotic when it comes to movie going. I have two issues. The first, I am fearful that no matter where I sit, someone sporting an Abraham Lincoln style top-hat is bound to sit directly in front of me, this has never happened but the fear remains. The second, I am freakishly steadfast in my requirement to arrive before the lights are dimmed for the previews and most definitely before the lights are killed altogether for the feature presentation. This story will explain the origin of neurosis number two.

Because of Applebees and Banana Republic we arrive a few minutes after the beginning of the film.  The theater, as my dad would say, was blacker than the inside of a cow. So dark that it looked 100% empty. This was great news for me so I led the charge to score the perfect seats. 1/4th of the way down the aisle and I scooted directly to the middle, my friends in tow. I was pretty excited about our prime location even if we did miss the first few minutes of the show.  After visually confirming I had chosen the seat directly in the middle, down I sat.

CRUNCH. And then a startled “Excuse me?” I had firmly landed on a bucket of popcorn that was perched in some lady’s lap. For a split second the lady, the destroyed popcorn and I all occupied that one very popular seat. It’s important to note that this is not the most embarrassing part of this story.

Jumping up, mortified and offering a brief apology I high-tail it into a vacant area of the theater. With my friends mercilessly laughing at my misfortune and me feeling ridiculous we sit and watch Rob Roy. Actually my friends watch Rob Roy, I sat in the dark theater wondering if I should go buy the woman another tub of popcorn while fine-tuning my exit strategy. The plan, when the movie ended was to quickly and as stealthily as possible exit the theater ensuring that my victim would never figure out who exactly rump-smashed her $18 snack.

As the final scene draws to a close and the screen turns to black, I'm already on my feet figuring I could meet my friends in the safety of the anonymous parking lot. 

Not so fast slick! 

Up came the lights before the credits were even rolling and that’s when I realize there were exactly five people in this enormous theater. Me (red faced), my three friends, and the poor woman who’s world I had just rocked one hour and 35 minutes prior. Serves her right for choosing the best seat in the house, I wonder if she hearted Eric Stoltz as much as I did.